The book that suprised me :)

Lately, I'm stuffing myself with books. Yes. There are too many books that I haven't touched. And they are collecting dust.

Plus, true readers will always read the book before presenting to someone, and another true book worm would definitely understand that no one can give without knowing the story. And they don't get offended over yellow stained pages :).  That is, we are.

i have never read book by Malaysian author. I do not know why. Maybe they were not famous and that I know none of them. Till I realised I actually bought a book by Malaysian author, The Flight of The Swan by D. Devika Bai. Before proceeding I asked myself if I want to read the book (I see now that I have little confidence in Malaysian author writing a good story).

The story started about a war in Killa (I feel boring) and I thought if it is going to be about war the whole story, I should just put down the book. I thank God I did not make such wrong move. The story was incredibly rich with culture and history. I just fallen in love with how the story goes.

The story covered up to four generations with first Captain Bhonsle in Killa running with his parents and new wife to another place when the Rani was killed. From there, the story of his kids and grandsons took place. When the Rani died, a flight of swans flew over on the sky. And, the story was busied on Captain Ramdas Bhonsle's life. The farm life they had in Champakapur and the love between his wife and him. The love was not told by describing on the physique but rather on the pure love of husband and wife. It was a wonderful read.

Imagining Penang in my greatgrandparents era made wonders too. It was not easy to imagine with many bushes and grasses and one beautiful point: the author wrote on the close relation among Malay, Indian and Chinese at that time. To be honest, something that has died in between us.

The bad habit that I have, whenever I certain books and I find it draggy, I will jump to the ending and read them, then continue back from where I left. But, not for this book. And throughout the whole journey, I was suprised, we, Malaysian have best authors, too!

Do spend some time and read the book!

I just need to talk to someone, and I found you, my blog.

I feel like crying. Cry very hard.

But I can't even weep.

My heart feels numb, yet I can feel my heart is crying. The sound is intense.

The truth is, 

I feel like a failure.

Failure because I compared myself with others.

Realising they are way smarter than me.

Yet, I can't be without comparing.

You either break that and emerge as a successful person or
you build humongous wall surrounding you

It takes one person to ruin your whole life.

It's worst when that happens during your mid-life crisis.

It's either I can't cry at all, or I cry till morning.

Yes, I feel like a failure,not able to do anything extraordinary.

A real failure.

Random post of marriage and past lover

Gender issues- only one, discrimination.
Men enjoy everything and women have to become activist to reap equal portions of everything men enjoys.
It is always like that, and it will be like that forever. I’m not going to write on this, there are plenty on this issue. Mine is more on a relationship, marriage angle. Well, you don’t need experience to write on this. Just try to be in other's shoe and feel it.
Marriage.
When it comes to arranged marriages, both or either one must have faced an ugly love relationship previously. They get frustrated and let parents decide for them (Indians).
No difference to love marriages. Many come with a past. It is common, and I personally would say it is better if you fall in and out of love once. You would know how to love and appreciate the next one even better.
But, the biggest mistakes many commit is bringing the past luggage into the new relationship and expecting the partner to understand you can’t let the past go. I bet you would not understand my previous statement. Your heart aches when you see your past lover with another person. Think again, your new lover would feel the same. If you don’t let go of past, don’t find a new one. You make all parties unhappy.
I heard a story from a male friend. They have both separated for few years, and they are ‘free’ from those feelings. But, they keep whatever gifts they exchanged, and still wearing them. This is lovely, and you can keep, if you are single. You started dating another girl and you tell her all these, and you expect her to understand that you can’t let go of the past. Now, please let go of the new lover. She deserves a better one.
What if the new girlfriend brings in the same story? No, girls should never come with this past, and guys rarely chose such girls as their better half. (typical Indian men mentality).
I have always thought; instead of you think how your spouse can make you happy (you know-homely, nice, loving, etc, etc), why don’t you think how you can make your spouse happy?
I questioned if at later stage when he get married to another woman, will he throw away all these. The reply was, ‘no, even if it gets worn out, I will still keep it; throwing away is negative feelings. and there is no such thing as past’
I should have asked what if your spouse also keeps all this from her past relationship. I missed that. Bringing your past to your current relationship will only be sufferings. Imagine, one day we both going for a movie, and I wear a lovely blue frocks that my ex bought for me. Would you, young man not feel hurtful, even at the slightest?
And that is when I made my toughest decision ever; not to marry such man. My dream is to build a happy family, not to be a divorcee after few years (when no man can’t tolerate women with few pasts, women too, can’t tolerate if she is not the only one for him). Dreams which all women have always had; A happy family, with loving husband and beautiful kids. A place called home.

Nevermine, time heals

I'm going to 'facebook' my problem in my blog.
I'm not furious to use caps lock and exclamation marks thousand times. No, it's not that sort of anger. This is a silent, sad anger.

An educator should inspire, motivate a student, and should know all the paperwork procedures related to their field. An educator should make learning is fun.

My case is totally different here.
I'm not hating what I studied, but the system made me hate it. The educator made me hate it. And hate her, too.
I finished my pre-viva presentation last year Sept, before the supervisor leaves to oversea for sabbatical of three months. Three months which is enough for processing my notice of theses submission.

Before she leaves, she never send my letter, instead she said, if she has found the three panels, I can straight away submit my notice, and my thesis. This, she said, the three month time is the time for them to search for examiners. so, if I have my panels, I do not need to wait for three months.

I doubted at first, but later I decided not to overdo her, she's the boss. So, she came back this January, called me to meet her and send in the notice. I, as innocent as ever, happily asked if she's found the examiner and I can submit my thesis.

"No, Renuka, you have to wait for three months". (And, that means, I need to pay the fees next month).

Not a single word I uttered. I was dumbfounded. Later, I realised she haven't found a panel, and I don't know what the heck she was doing during her sabbatical. (She said she will do all the paperwork through email).

On another side, I'm the only student to finish Masters in two and a half years under her. The rest have been there for 4-6 years. I'm not judging, but I feel something not fine.

The anger that just went silent. You can't scream, and you start hating studies.

The small funny side: you become a philosopher. To all students, work after you finish your degree. Because then you will know, what Masters you need to continue, depending on your current job. And at 25, you won't feel stressed and pressurized.

Again, no, i'm not furious. All I'm going to do is pray, ask for a calm and peaceful mind. Oh, I forgot to mention, I just finished crying. Well, that's one of the way to ease the burden.

Dear Lord, I seek refuge under your lotus feet, to give me a peaceful mind, to grant me a heart that forgives the heartless people, the strength to handle worst situations. All I need is for You to hold my hand and guide me. I trust in your decision.