No, I don't have a resolution.

Dec 31st, and I haven't penned down my New Year resolution. No time, and seriously I don't even know that Christmas is over.

I feel weird. My intuition keep stressing that I'm matured ( I doubt myself) and face the reality; you ain't gonna follow any of your resolutions. So, just follow the flow, He had been with you and will always guide you. Be yourself and change your bad habits. That's it.

Seriously, I need to find a lock for my mouth. The moment they piss me off, I couldn't control my tongue. Next thing I know, I'll be regretting over what I've uttered. Shame on me.

Aiming to finish my studies. I will!!! I will finish my studies. Finish it asap, without any distractions.

When I'm finished, I'll leave that place. I will never look back or miss my master studies. I've gone through too much. Maybe compared to others, it's just a very small scale but to me, it's unbearable.Well, the education didn't impact me, some emotional-malfunction-mental-torture-depression-tears-reality-unpredictable- life-shit-happens led me to this situation.

I'll land on a job. Right now, I don't bother what job is it. Just that, as long as I could save money, get some leave on mid-Dec. I'll be the most happiest lady!!. What happiness can one get if not seeing Him on Margazhi; in His home in Sriranggam? I can imagine getting goosebumps and teary if I see Him on Margazhi.

I need to read. I need to polish my language. A lot. Right now, I engage my time with novels,but a lazy pig don't search for meanings when do not know the meaning. I just assume the meaning all the time..lol


Finally, as I've said before. The heart is very evil. And it can't stand firm on a decision. Damn the heart. One day, the heart says ' Ignore it, just live your life, God knows'. The next day, it'll say 'you shouldn't have done that'..And the next day 'oh, we made a mistake, I think you should cry,you'll feel better'.

Kill the heart. A blissful life will be yours.

(sigh, If only heart can be killed---oh my, I just get it. you know what, God simply give the heart the utmost function :to pump oxygen. He knows if emotional thing were felt somewhere on arms, legs, thighs, people can just cut or amputate and throw away if it's depressing them. By feeling in the heart, you can't kill the heart, you will eventually die) get the meaning, heartbroken=die walaoweh...

This what happens when I do not write points before blogging, I keep blabbering all the time and run out of the topic.

That's all for 31st Dec. See you next year!!

Adoption Drive, a cure for gloomy heart

Are you ready to hear me blabbering?

Here I am, like a couch potato, facing my laptop. Back from Adoption Drive, (can you believe, I caught a dog which tried to run away. It has been ages I ran so fast. That big muscular dog, the lovely Bhairavi don't like to stay there..hrmmm), spent time in Straits Quay (well, just 2 days for Christmas, these are places you can get best shots of humongous Christmas tree).

A hectic day, indeed; well that's good if you are trying to get away from some awful problems. But, why is that when you reach home, those thing seeps into your mind again? Isn't that home where your loved ones would be there to ward off those feelings?

Yes, there are there, they will always be there. It's just that you don't feel like sharing with them.Why the heart do not open up to closed ones?

Ah, that's a hard question.
Maybe I don't have the guts to share with them.

But, there is always one place I find solitude and peace. First room, far right corner. Instantly, He'll come and remind me ' You know why you feel sorrow? Because you forget about me, totally'.
And I feel bad about it. I've forgotten Him. How could I?

He has his own ways to console me. And I know my problem is solved. Well, not really but the impact is reduced a little. :)

What happened at the Adoption Drive?
I found that there are actually many kind hearted people. Few cute puppies have been adopted, and donations were a lot!! A lot!! cookies and pet items were sold to raise fund. They even had pets photo frames, looking so classic!
We packed up joyfully at 4pm, feeling satisfied. A few of them sell cupcakes and dog items to raise fund.
Finishing that, we straight headed to Straits Quay. We ordered for 3 coffees in Starbucks, and we get 4. A mistake.  Yee-haw!!!

Oh, sorry, but I can't tell more. I'm feeling very sleepy now.. Nights....

Old movies are good, sometimes.

Recently, I've been watching lotsa old movies. That's not a symptom showing you are getting older. Well, what you expect when the tv programmes are like that?  When I see the names in black and white and some scratches here and there; OhhhMyyy Godddd, they screwed my Saturday morning!! But after 15mins, I will be enjoying the movie (let us skip the funny dances and weird fights chapter). 

But, here is one of the movies which I've watched few times, yet not getting tired. Listen to these devotional song. Btw, It's a mantra. Same mantra that Kamal Hassan chanted in the new Dasavathaaram.( I bet you'll listen to it now!)

At times, I wonder from where they get such a handsome man to play Vishnu role. or is it the make up?

`Sonnalum kaeddalum, Suvai ootum Naamam'

The divinity of these songs,one can definitely find peace and solitude..

A 1960/70s movie, potrays the ten avatars of Vishnu, Dasavatharam. Color movie A must watch!!  I wouldn't say it's the best movie, but it's the easiest way for you to understanding on Perumal's ten avatharams. But then again, Its just a movie, you can't rely on it. As starting from Parasurama's avatar , the lack of adequate info makes you don't really understand why did He become that, why He become this. Lengthy story, more time, I guess.

By the way, I do adore 'Aval Oru Thodarkathai' a black and white  movie :P

Teary eyes

With dainty hand

wiping off 

crystal clear cloud 

absconded to

moisten my cheeks

It's conspicuous

glistening eyelashes

dark black kohl smeared concavely

under the eye bag

melancholy mood swirls in the air

a new set of cloud  brimmed the eyes

yearn to warm my cheeks

Tears

each drops, 

unravel the truth

loosing knots

of all misapprehensions.

exploring depths of myself

freed myself 

inch by inch, 

from the appaling sorrow.

Cleansed my soul.

With each drops

burdens lifted

feeling  feathery.

Tears, 

the only curable answer

for intangible pains.

I gulped those memories :D

Bright
sunny day
Searching solitude.

Big oak branching out
shadowing wooden bench
Sitting quietly 
releasing big sigh
and the delectable memories
start building images
like a slow motion montage

Eyes closed.
re-living those moments again 
those moments, 
those feelings,
warms the heart 
veering to present 
sharp pang struck
leaving intangible pain

you opened your eyes
shooing the images 
the indelible images 
to face the  reality

Murmuring to self
I will make through it..

A duff advice to self on that sunny day

(seriously,  i was kinda drunk while typing the title, so irrelevant) 

I survived..

Sit, relax yourself

Empty your mind

Inhale deeply

Cry.

Cry your heart out

You feel calm now

mind searches the problem

that bugging you

Digging everything from yesteryear

All the memories resurfacing

from the dormant section of brain

Cry more, louder this this time

Stop. Breathe and think

Think of everything and everyone that hurts you.

Cry again.

Let your emotion out.

Stop.

Don't make any decisions

Breathe.

Cry for the last time, until you sleep.

Begin the day like a new leaf

Indulge in

neither past nor memory.

tell yourself

This is not the end.

Hold on, God will never let you down.

Keep going

It's just one of the day, where 'S**t Happens' 

Perhaps Him reminding you of His existence

That you forgot

being swept away into materialistic world.

Quell your feelings
It will never heal, but makes
the wound bigger.

Never look back.
Instead, cry.
Cry.

You won't die,
but you will survive the treacherous moment.

Where do you see yourself in ten years time?

Where do you see yourself in ten years time?

A friend of mine asked this Q in her status. Like a magnet, it pulled me and I read the entire lengthy post.
It's a simple question which I do not have a definite answer. No, I can't even answer. I don't see my future. Whenever I think of this, I can see only blank. Nothing.
Nevertheless, I agree to her answer, I  leave it to God to carve the right path for me. He knows best.

I'm aimless, low motivation, low inspiration. that what I feel sometimes.
But I'm changing, for a good cause, obviously. I'm a forever student, learning everyday new things on life.

And I've made a habit to ask me this question, I may not see my future, but by this I can motivate myself.


I'm writing this so that whenever I drop by my blog, I will get motivated on my own. :)